This place still feels like... a sanctuary. Safe heaven. I'm so glad to see it's still up and running, honestly. Just brings me so much peace and bittersweet nostalgia.
A lot has changed since my last entry, obviously. I'm in my second semester in college in Cali, and as always, procrastinating on literally everything. I feel it's a very similar story to the one I've written here before: new place, no friends, school isn't all that easy, and I just learned how to drive.
In fact, I've learned how to do a few things. Drive, cook, break up with people... Yea, I know. Me. Cooking. Pretty insane, eh?
I did break up with that guy I cheated on. Not specifically because of that (although I suppose part of it, that's a whole different story). There were many reasons, and although I still miss him from time to time, it was the right choice ultimately. That happened almost a year ago. We still talk every few days, mostly about very neutral stuff. No drama.
I've flipped through my paper diary as well today, and there were very few entries describing my experience of moving to a different country. You know, if I could foresee that it will happen once again, I would have been more diligent with my journaling. Interestingly enough, I seek out my own wisdom this time, not someone else's.
I feel very lonely now, but I know it's not right. I know it's not just a phase, it's not romantic. It's something I upkeep daily. Waste of my youth, waste of my energy. I need to put on my big girl pants and get my shit together now.
I basically stopped drawing, reading, writing, dreaming. I miss the old me. I can't say I'm in love with this new, adult me. And that's exactly the thing I need to work on- loving myself, as cheesy as that sounds. I thought dating and having sex would solve my problems, but surprise surprise, it did not. So I'm working on it. Verrrryyyyy slowly, but I am. I'm hoping I'll succeed.
I think this will be it for now. There's lots I want to talk about, but it feels somewhat wrong to type here in English so I'll return when I get myself a Russian keyboard. Hopefully, it'll be sooner than in another 2 years